We all agree stress is bad, but who should fix it? You or the “stressor?”

We answer that question differently, depending on how we view the world.  Some of us see ourselves as the primary source of change.  Some of us expect others to change to make our lives better.

Sounds like eye color or skin tone, right?–something you just are and accept for the rest of your life.  

Not so fast.  Those who assume others decide how their lives are going to go are asking for problems they don’t need to have.   When you expect someone else to make the decisions, take the lead, and “be the master” you increase your chances of a stroke, heart attack and dying sooner in general.  Do you really want to do that?

Yes, there are times when someone else gets to decide what you are going to do.  Work, marriage, and parenthood are all rife with these situations.  But it’s one thing to take work direction (even from a two-week old daughter) and another to assume subordinate status.  If life is stressing you big time, check out how you are seeing the world.  The big difference between humans and other organisms is that we have the power to choose.

When your start to feel stressed, look at how you are seeing the situation.  Do the work because you choose to do it, not because “you have to.”   Don’t give up your right to choose even when the other alternatives are so unacceptable you would never consider them.  And while you’re at it, hold on tight to your sense of why you are doing things.  That makes you the master of your own fate rather than a pawn in the game of Life.

Jonah Lehrer’s article in the August 2010 issue of Wired magazine does a nice job of highlighting the physical negatives of being subordinate.  In short, it’s a highly stressful role.  Much of that article explores the health effects of being a low ranking baboon (literally), but the implications go well beyond primate research.

The brain actually changes in a subordinate situation. Stress response mechanisms take priority and learning and memory activities decline.  We become less effective as problem solvers and even more vulnerable to stress when we accept subordinate status.   None of this is necessary, but it’s automatic if you aren’t paying attention.

Lehrer goes on to recommend seven steps you can take to reduce stress:

1.  Make friends

2.  Drink in moderation.  (Alcohol reduces anxiety.)

3.  Get enough sleep.

4.  Don’t fight.

5.  Confront your fears.

6.  Medidate.

7.  Don’t force yourself to exercise.

I would add one more to that list.

8.  Always remember you’re in charge of  your own life.

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Mary Lloyd is a speaker, consultant, and coach and author of Supercharged Retirement:  Ditch the Rocking Chair, Trash the Remote, and Do What You Love.  Her website is http://www.mining-silver.com/

Tags: Anti-aging strategies, Career strategies, Coping with change, managing stress

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